According to a 2008 statistics report, 28 percent of women in Nigeria, cutting across socio-economic structures and cultures, have experienced domestic violence. But the reports on domestic violence are almost inexistent because only a minute number of victims come out to talk about it, which can be as a result of the stigma/shame.

A woman is violently abused by her spouse and the next question that is asked by family or friends is, “What did you do?”. She knows that her marriage is hell on earth, and understands the best option is to leave, but the society doesn’t permit this. She is asked questions like “what will people say?”, or if she has kids “what about your children? If at all, at least stay for your children,” by parents or friends. Or if they are “supportive” of her decision to leave, that final decision still somehow rests on “what people will say?”. It is an unending cycle of physical and physiological abuse.

Earlier this week, it was reported that Oluchi Tochukwu, a banker, attempted to kill her estranged husband by hiring two assassins who were caught on the Ijebu-Ode express road. The car the assassins were caught in had blood stains in it and belonged to Oluchi’s husband. Oluchi denied this allegation after she was arrested, stating that she had no reason to kill him. This arrest prompted Malik Abdulmalik, a close associate of Oluchi to write a long revealing post on Facebook, stating her innocence and also, her history of domestic violence in the hands of Tochukwu.

According to Malik Shabazz Abdulmalik, Oluchi was turned into a punching bag by Tochukwu, her new husband, almost immediately after they got married. When she was pregnant with their baby, he continued his assault and even went as far as pushing her down the stairway when she was 30 weeks pregnant. After Oluchi was prematurely birthed of her baby through Cesarean section, Tochukwu beat her while her operation stitches were still fresh, in the presence of his and her mother.

Earlier this year, Tochukwu expressed his indifference to their marriage and drove Oluchi and her daughter away from his house. But he didn’t stop at that. He applied to be the custodian of his daughter at a customary court, stating his reason as Oluchi’s incompetence at being a mother. He even occasionally strolled into her workplace to slut shame her, threatening to beat her and take her child away.

Putting all these into consideration, could the allegations against her be another means of abuse by Tochukwu who has terrorised her even after sending her packing? Have the police investigated that possibility like her friend Malik suggested? Or, have they solely concluded based on evidence (which could have easily been staged) that she made an attempt to assassinate him? Or, if they are right, and she made an attempt at assassination, how did she come to this point where killing her husband was the last resort? These questions bring us into a deeper conversation on the amount of oppression she must have faced and her desperation to be free of threats.

This is not to justify violence of any form, but what if our society were structured in such a way that allowed us to have conversations about domestic violence? What if our society allowed victims of domestic abuse come forward and without putting the blame on them? Or, what if our society stopped making women abused feel like it is their responsibility to endure pain and beatings in other to keep the family together? Can you imagine the difference this would make?

If there was a domestic abuse help centre, or a call line for domestic violence, will this cycle of violence against Oluchi have continued, which made her play with the idea of murder?

These are the questions we need to ask. Women do not have to go through a cycle of shame by the society even when they are not at fault. This kind of dangerous cycle births insecure women and men who hold on the threshold of their fragile masculinity to feel accepted, or dare I say feel ‘man enough’.

Women are not property or objects and are not responsible for keeping a home that does not intend to keep them. Violence on any level should not be condoned. And the narrative of our society regarding domestic violence needs to change.