Photograph — Point Blank News

While surfing the web a few days ago, I stumbled on a very interesting story with a very interesting headline – “Nigerians hear Buhari’s voice on the phone.” Woah! Big news. Halfway through reading that, I got another update – “Nigerians ‘excited and happy’ at Buhari phone call”. Word? When did he call, because I sure missed it? And I am not particularly “excited and happy” about a number of things.

But before anything, let’s have a moment of laughter at the first title. And another moment of laughter at how ridiculous our government, and the story in question is. You know how we tell someone who is overtly foolish but doesn’t know it, “your yeye dey smell,” in Pidgin English? Our government yeye dey smell.

First, you tell us that the president is in London on vacation and that he is not ill. But when his return was due, he sends a charming letter about extending his vacation to complete and receive the results of a series of tests recommended by his doctors. When rumours starts swirling about him being critically ill, you go to extra lengths to post pictures that look staged, but pictures nonetheless, of him receiving guests in London, which by the way, appears to be our country’s new capital.

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While we were still reeling from that, he sends another message to inform us that he will be staying even longer, because the test results he was awaiting earlier shows that he needs “longer rest.” Not that he gave a definite date of return the other time, but now we know not to expect him anytime soon. Throughout this drama, you tell us that he is “hale and hearty,” but still, you ask us to pray for him. He also reassures us through one of his letters that there is no cause for worry. Classic!

And when he finally decides to call, to let people know that he’s alive and still speaks, he calls one state governor and a fraction of Nigerians. And ensures that it was recorded to be broadcast on local radio. Sigh! Such drama. I do hope the Nigerian government does not want us to believe that the phone call was impromptu. Because if that is the case, then #WehDoneFG, we are not buying it.

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But just before I finish, do you guys have any idea how embarrassing it is for us to find out via international media that our president is very ill? So ill, he is only fit for evening walks. Well newsflash, as much as I empathise with him and his family, this is not the “change” we signed up for. Dearest president, Nigerians did not vote you in so you could go and have evening strolls in London. And as for the rest of the government, you do not fool us. We see through your social media updates, recorded phone calls, and twitter photos … especially the photos.

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